You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
