don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
