DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Green mimosas i think yes
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
