last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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