I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
how does that bad decision feel?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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