I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
