I hate your face
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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