I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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