Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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