Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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