sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
