Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
