i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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