My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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