The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
