I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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