I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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