my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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