captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
