i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Randomize
