You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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