you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
