RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
