if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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