her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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