he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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