i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
