I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
