alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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