I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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