last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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