I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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