I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
