does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just found puke in my bra..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
