very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
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I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
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My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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