you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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