just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
false alarm, still single
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