'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
