i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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