It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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