Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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