Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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