he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
