i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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