Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
