before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
