I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
