The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
