Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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