don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
