I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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