I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"