My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out