I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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