Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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