here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
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