Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
