Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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